Tag: mental health

Can Guys & Girls be “just friends”?

Lately I’ve been asking myself this question, well I say lately, what I mean is for a couple of years now. I have been looking at the platonic relationships between guys and girls and I’ve been wondering if they really can be “just friends”.

I think this question came about when a good long time male friend of mine, decided to cut ties after 7 years of friendship. This came as quite a shock seeing as this person was a best friend of mine whom I’d practically lived with on occasion, sharing everything including his bed. His mother became a second mother and I was thought of as part of the family.

Well one day I noticed a little different behaviour. Behaviour we as friends had never included in our friendship. (For the purpose of this persons identity I will not disclose everything). I dusted off this behaviour even then though it did alert me somewhat. A close person suggested to this person that we should become an item and he stated, she does not view me that way. It was from then onwards that I would not hear from this person again. As I spoke to other males of his star sign , I was enlightened and found out that he could not just be my friend because he needed to be my partner.

This made me think. Women are made out to be clingy and over emotional, whilst men are deemed logical and detached. So it would seem that women would find it difficult to be “just friends” with a guy that they fancied and who did not feel the same way. But with my constant research, it has proven to be quite the other way.

I have personally experienced and witnessed more and more the shut down of male and female friendships due to the lack of interest of the female willing to take it further. It’s like the guys make believe that they can be friends but then you start seeing less conversation, less interest than before, which equals the shut down of the friendship.

Most females I talk to say and have shown that they have no problem being friends with an ex, someone new or someone that wants a physical relationship with them, myself included. But this usually never winds up happening because the male is unable to accept that it will be just friendship and ends up being cold and unfriendly. This leads me on to my next theory/debate.

Is it possible for guys to actually have intentions to be just your friends and nothing else? I was discussing this with my sister the other day and I told her that it is very very rare for a guy to approach girl and only have intentions of being her friend. When it comes down to the bone of things, I have never seen this happen. I have never seen or experienced a guy wanting to be friends with a female because she seemed like a “cool” girl to be friends with. I say this because this actually happened to me the other day. I was stopped by a guy who decided to comment on how “cool” my clothes were and then said he would like to take me to dinner and hang out with me because I seem like a “cool” girl. As I do, I read through the lines and realised that he was interested in me in more than just a platonic level, which I stated and he confirmed. The wanting to “hang out” with me was just a cover up for the obvious.

Usually I’ve seen guys be friends with girls they are not attracted to, that they know through work or some other mundane connection. And the contact that they have with these friends is usually not as much, in comparison to the amount they have with their male friends. But these friendships have been built out of circumstance. Whereas, when a male chooses to approach a female to be “friends” with outside of daily circumstances, it is more often than not a cover up to get closer to her on a personal level. Due to this, most females decline the friendship because they know that, that guy may want more which in turn makes it harder to trust them and to save the awkwardness/drama of when the guy decides to cut them off when he realises that this friendship will not develop further!

To conclude, I have seen and so believe that it is possible for women to be friends with someone they are attracted to whom does not feel the same way but It appears that men find this to be quite a challenge.

These are just a few things I have been considering and scaling over in my mind. What do you think?


A reflection of the year 2013

I look back at the months over the last year and realise how much I’ve grown as a person. I feel proud of who I am becoming. I have learnt some life lessons like how much communication is a very vital key to any relationship and to always remember your self worth. I’ve apologised to those who may have brought the worst out of me, resulting in a firey backlash on my behalf and I’ve smoothed out a few cracks in my character.

Accountability is something we grow own in order to truly mature into our better beings. Without it, one lives their life in denial. You can never truly move on into new pastures if you do not own up to your part in every situation.

I have seen friends drop like flies making room for new, sincere relationships. I do believe our gut instincts are very strong and they have not lead me wrong this year.

I’ve graduated, quit my hellish job and passed my theory test. I’ve given support to young people and I have spread love wherever I’ve been. 2013 was a rather good year but a year that will not be missed. I am ready for the new challenges, lessons and growth that 2014 has to bring. Let the year begin!

Men & Wedding Rings

I’ve heard quite recently from a few people that men do not like to wear their wedding rings because it makes them more attractive to women. Kathy Wakile from The Real Housewives of New Jersey stated in Season 3 that her husband does not like to wear his wedding ring because other women will think that “he’s a keeper”. This baffles me. Why would seeing a man with a wedding ring be an attractive attribute for a single or any woman for that matter?! Wouldn’t it put you off knowing that, that man is in a commited relationship elsewhere?! Well I think it would for those with morals and principals.

Has the taboo of wanting what you cant have become so popular that men feel the need to hide their most cherished commitment from the world?! If this is the case, I think we need to do some inside discussions with ourselves to figure out why we would want or chase after a person whom is out our accessibility. This also just tells me that again, it appears that it is unattractive to be a single person which creates all types of pressures for those single men.

Women, we should be striving for someone whom shares the same relationship status as ourselves & we should never judge another for the fact that they are not or have not been married as it does not validate how “keeper” worthy this person is. There is a thing such as values and patience and some people are just waiting for that right person who will share their values.

For kids or For happiness

In today’s world of relationships, I see many people who are in unhappy relationships which also contain children. I’ve heard people say, “why did I choose this person to be in my life forever?”. When you ask these people why they are together, more often than not, they say for their children. But this gives me many concerns.

Firstly, I do wonder how people who are in unhappy their relationships continue to produce more offspring in this unhappy union?! I find it quite selfish! Children are meant to be brought into the world through love and brought up around love.

I’ve seen couples rush into relationships barely knowing each other and the part of them that they did know did not prove to be of good characteristics yet having kids seemed to be the smartest next move.

Children are very impressionable, so bringing them up with two constant bickering parents can have a really bad emotional and mental effect on them. Children are very intuitive so to witness arguments can be very distressing for them.

I think it is very important to make sure we are compatible with who we want to settle down. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it is impossible to be in a relationship where you do not argue and I do know that some people grow apart but I think it’s important to have your standards about you and be patient enough to find out if the person you are with will be the person you want to have a permanent link to.

Unfortunately when and if these circumstance arise, I think it is actually the best decision to co-parent than to stay together and try and make it work for the children’s sake, putting away your own happiness.

There have been many children who have grown up with a co-parent or single parent life and they have not been affected but to my witnessing, it has been those who have grown up with their parents trying to make it work on their behalf that have been negatively influenced later in their life when it concerns their relationships.

On the other hand, it could be argued that children growing up without their parents sharing a union will equally affect their views on relationships but my main concern is that all in all we all deserve happiness, so I don’t feel people should push themselves together when it is clearly upsetting their well being just for the sake of their children, more times out of ten it doesn’t work so why put your children through it.

To summarise, what I will say is that we need to take our times getting to know our partners, maintaining a bond filled with good communication and think long and hard if this person will be the person you will be happy to permanently linked to. After all your happiness is just as important as your children’s. Choose wisely!

P.S I do know and understand that this maybe a sensitive subject for some but my views have come about due to my worldly analysis, I do not intend to offend.

Sorry in advance if I have.

Feminine vs Masculine πŸšΊπŸšΉ

When it comes to characteristics, what is Feminine and what is Masculine? Well, I will try to keep this one short and sweet but I can’t promise that I won’t run off at the mouth as usual. You see I’m like Pringles, once I start, I just can’t stop!

For many years I’ve listened to people and seen how society has created their narrow views. I’ve seen people fear to act out in the ways they most desire and I’ve heard people say the things that they deem to be sociably acceptable but I am cut from a very different knife. I stay true to me by being me.

I’ve often heard people say he or she is “too feminine” or not “masculine enough”. But from young I’ve questioned what is really feminine & masculine?! From the age of 7 when I developed my own sense of style, I was branded a ‘tomboy’. All I ever wore was sneakers and tracksuits. I was in my element in the clothing I considered to be of my upmost comfort and which expressed my personality, sporty and active. As I got older and realised that by me wearing skirts shifted me into the feminine bracket and me wearing jogging bottoms put me into the masculine bracket I was genuinely concerned. How could what I wore which is my self expression determine how feminine I was? Well for the protection of your ears or shall I say eyes, I won’t ramble off into my many opinions, I’ll just stay on the topic off self expression and cover one section of it, emotional expression.

Growing up and creating relationships with the opposite sex, I’ve seen the slim confinements that both sexes have been caste. Feminine and Masculine. I’ve seen on numerous occasions that people have used the terminology of feminine and masculine to describe a person negatively. My biggest concern is the association of expressing ones emotions with the act of femininity.

A couple of years back, I had a debate with one of my older sisters about this very issue of femininity. We were discussing something along the lines of relationships and she described a male who was quite expressive with his emotions as feminine. I then wanted to explore this concept further as she was not the first person I had heard mention this. As you consider a male expressing his emotions as feminine, it instantly creates a negative, degrading cloud over him in our minds. But “why?” I asked, because we have been conditioned to believe these very views, creating separations between the sexes.

This view really irked me. Why do we consider the action of a person to express their emotions openly as a feminine trait? Why should concealing your emotions be considered as a masculine trait? It’s this kind of conditioning from young that creates a continuous cycle of behaviour that I feel is unacceptable. This prevents people for doing the one thing that they have the right to do which is to express yourself. How can you expect to build a greater understanding and better yet, get what you want if you are afraid to express how you feel?!

Whenever I am in conversation with a male and they express how they feel about me or anything for that matter, I give them my high regards of respect because I know how much it must have taken for them to do something that has been identified as a “weak” or “feminine” action.

The commencing of this ideology began when who ever felt that the colour Pink was for a girls and the colour Blue was for boys. Again restricting the genders to maintain an opposing sense of expression, which later stems into males remaining cold and putting on this tough “I have no feelings” exterior, in turn creating a reoccurring deal breaker in most relationships they endeavour.

I will not be passing on any of these generation destroying ideas onto my future offspring because I know better than to forbid any person from allowing them to express themselves how they see fit. The colour example is a cute token but we must be aware of how far we are taking this into the concept of character building.

Guys it is not feminine to express your emotions and girls it is not masculine to be direct and driven. Be true to you in order to get the best for you!

*P.S I knew the Pringles effect would take place*

For marriage or For fun?!

Recently, I have spoken to a few of my single friends and as I do, I formed a deep discussion on what they deem to be their perfect partner.

Well to my surprise, as I was absorbing their idealistic view points, I was astonished when they divulged to me that they feel marriage material males are guys who they deem less attractive.

They had been dating for a while and began to express how they were really attracted to a few guys but ended the dates short when they thought of marriage. When I asked why this was so, they elaborated this point for me, “you don’t want a really attractive partner because those males are not serious and they will be constantly attracting attention, which you don’t want to have to worry about”. Hmmmm…

I had never looked from this point of view. Is it really true that the attractive guys are here to live infinite lives of playing the field?! and is it really true that they would never give up that lifestyle due to all the attention they get?! These were questions and views I had never considered.

As I scanned the coffee shop that we were having this discussion in, I noticed a few rather attractive males seated with whom I assumed to be there partner.

To the girls it was a common consensus but I couldn’t help but say that maybe this opinion was a barrier to keep the ladies from falling in love?! Maybe it was there own insecurities creeping in?!

When we usually first come in to contact with a person we like, it is because their appearance has pleased our eyes resulting in us feeling a physical attraction. We then want to find out if this attraction will be deeper than this by seeking for this pleasure given to our eyes but inwardly.

I do not know of anyone who deep down inside does not want a partner that they are as physically attracted to as well as mentally attracted to. It is difficult for me to comprehend that a person would seek a person who they are not physically attracted to for marriage without having any underlying insecurities.

What an unhappy life you would lead knowing that secretly you would rather your partner was more attractive. Do not get me wrong, I am not a superficial lady at all but we have to be honest with ourselves and admit that we do like things that please our eyes first.

I do believe that there is someone for everyone and that person exceeds your desires. I do not and will not believe in settling for anything other than the best, whatever your best might be. Think the best & you shall get the best!

Rappers Masquerade 🎭

I have been a Hip Hop lover for as long as I can remember. Seeing it progress through the times of REAL Hip Hop to the times of being unworthy of my listening ears (now).

Hip Hop artists have been an inspiration for the youth whether they want to admit or not, often steering the youths, both females and males but mainly males into a spiralling road of unattainable disaster. In my dissertation, I even wrote about the changing beauty ideals in the Hip Hop culture but for this post I will steady my focus on a issue that the males face.

Rappers have made it of best regard to maintain a reputation and representation that clubbing, popping Mollys and promiscuity are the pinnacles of a mans life, channeling young males away from what’s really the importance in life. This is the very reason why Hip Hop has been on the back burner for me.

With all these scantily clad videos and champagne showers I always said to myself that these people can’t be for real?! These 30 something’s continuously living the club life, it’s just a bit of a disgrace! I always knew that this had just be an image that the industry expects them to project!

Well I’ve been watching some celebrity reality TV shows because I love me some American reality TV and I was not so surprised to find out that my thoughts had been confirmed. The artists life and his real life are not one of the same thing!

Old school Gangster rapper, Ice-T has a reality show with his wife called Ice Loves CoCo giving us insights to his extremely loving relationship on a daily basis. He surprised me because he once was affiliated with pimping and gangs yet he is the most loving, supportive partner I’ve ever seen in a male.

Another recent show I watched was Compton rapper The Game’s Marrying The Game. He also surprised me with his deep love for his high school sweetheart of 8 years. He’s quite a traditional simple male who provides for his family, excepts his girlfriend the way she is and all he wants in return is to be loved and cooked for. Yet they seem to still be unable to make it down the isle. Dirty South rapper T.I also has a reality show with his wife and their 6 children called The Family’s Hustle showing the things that he endeavours through his crossover from work to his real life.

It’s quite a shame that with all these rappers and their real lives that its almost seen as unattractive to promote their true selves and lifestyle within their music ultimately leading males to come to the ridiculous conclusion that monogamy and family life is not cool or something to strive for when really their favourite rappers are always in pursuit of normality! Truth of the matter is, is that these rappers are sensitive souls and they are not afraid to show this side to their spouses whether you know it or not. But their industry is designed to make you unaware of this.

It’s up to you to have your own ideals and your own desires and not follow what seems to be on trend, especially when it comes to your own happiness!