Which came first, the marriage or the baby?

After reading the comments made on a post from one of my boredom, filling websites that Chris Brown is planning to impregnate his girlfriend of 5 years, Karreuche Tran, it got me thinking. Which is the most important sign of progression in a relationship, marriage or kids?

Well on this website the comments trolled Chris Brown’s Instagram post which read “damn near 5 years and this woman still putting up with my sh*t. Need to have this baby and stop playing!…”. by stating that he has been with his partner for 5years and all he wants to do is have kids with her but not marry her. One person stated that she would rather her partner want to give his life to her through marriage than just have kids with them.

In a traditional sense, it is has always been the common consensus, that to give ones life to someone is to marry them but the growing trend for the 21st century is to have the baby first then think about marriage later. It used to be frowned upon to have children out of wedlock because it was looked at as a taboo. Marriage was a symbol of covenant given to a couple from god now some people look at marriage as just a piece of paper and a ring. Due to this, it is acceptable to assume that most people are preferring to have children together without the marriage commitment because maybe they feel that sharing something through blood is more of a life commitment. As I heard the words from an American programme, “because I am the baby’s mother and you are the baby’s father, we are bound together until one of us is 6 feet under!”.

So it appears that there are few traditional people and couples around and the next steps is to have a baby but has the values and beliefs of the world progressed or regressed, what do you think?

Worst Behaviour

So I was having a long discussion with my older sister over a nice bottle of wine in a very nice bar in Hammersmith and having a late catchup. In our many discussions we began talking about relationships and the many clichés that come with new relationships.

One which has interested me massively for some years now, has to be the process of people being on their “best behaviour” when they start dating or talking to someone that they are interested in. I was highly baffled by this process seeing as I am a person uncomfortable with pretentiousness. In all fairness, it has become such a common ideology which in turn has made it a normality of the beginnings of relationships but I’m not the type of person to go with the things dubbed as normal in this very strange world that we live in.

So I asked her, “why do people be on their best behaviour when starting out?” And she rightfully said, “to conceal their odd or unpopular ideas/characteristics!”. Me already anticipating that very answer said, well if that’s the case, I’ve been and I will always be on my Worst Behaviour!

I then digressed the implications of being on ones best behaviour. This behaviour is a false and created behaviour which gives the other person a false understanding and representation of ones self which results in selling the other person a dream and even in some cases a false connection. Why would someone, want to perceive themselves in a presentation other than their real selves?!? This would create a cycle in which the person has to keep up with this false persona and potentially “catching a fish” which they may not have gotten had their real character had shown up to all the phone conversations, dinner dates, text messages and so on.

I then discussed with my sister about the future implications of this pretentious behaviour, short term happiness. This is the sort of thing that sets people up to think that they have found someone whom ticks all their boxes when in actuality they may tick all their wrong boxes when the real them starts to make an appearance. I queried with her whether a person would even want to be with that person that they caught whilst they where on their best behaviour because after all, you had to be someone else to catch them?!

Similarly, I expressed my views on those self help books which many females read, telling them ways and rules to get their perfect partner. If you have to apply rules that do not come second nature to you or change your character in order to pin down a person you desire, I think that in itself says a lot about the destiny of this relationship. Clearly it’s not meant to be! Things that are meant to be, flow naturally without second or third parties or the need for someone to be someone else, which is why past experiences have shown me the very importance of being yourself. Yes it’s scary to put your full self out there and be in a vulnerable position but when you really think about it, what do you have to lose?! The way I see it is, if a door closes you should be happy because it gives chance to the right door. With every bad there definitely is a good to learn or gain.

People should be their selves and the right people will love you for yourself. In short, what we want isn’t always what we need! Get out their and be on your Worst Behaviour, I already am!

 

Oh and I just thought I’d bless this post with my husband’s song! Drake – Worst Behaviour. Have a great day!

 

Can Guys & Girls be “just friends”?

Lately I’ve been asking myself this question, well I say lately, what I mean is for a couple of years now. I have been looking at the platonic relationships between guys and girls and I’ve been wondering if they really can be “just friends”.

I think this question came about when a good long time male friend of mine, decided to cut ties after 7 years of friendship. This came as quite a shock seeing as this person was a best friend of mine whom I’d practically lived with on occasion, sharing everything including his bed. His mother became a second mother and I was thought of as part of the family.

Well one day I noticed a little different behaviour. Behaviour we as friends had never included in our friendship. (For the purpose of this persons identity I will not disclose everything). I dusted off this behaviour even then though it did alert me somewhat. A close person suggested to this person that we should become an item and he stated, she does not view me that way. It was from then onwards that I would not hear from this person again. As I spoke to other males of his star sign , I was enlightened and found out that he could not just be my friend because he needed to be my partner.

This made me think. Women are made out to be clingy and over emotional, whilst men are deemed logical and detached. So it would seem that women would find it difficult to be “just friends” with a guy that they fancied and who did not feel the same way. But with my constant research, it has proven to be quite the other way.

I have personally experienced and witnessed more and more the shut down of male and female friendships due to the lack of interest of the female willing to take it further. It’s like the guys make believe that they can be friends but then you start seeing less conversation, less interest than before, which equals the shut down of the friendship.

Most females I talk to say and have shown that they have no problem being friends with an ex, someone new or someone that wants a physical relationship with them, myself included. But this usually never winds up happening because the male is unable to accept that it will be just friendship and ends up being cold and unfriendly. This leads me on to my next theory/debate.

Is it possible for guys to actually have intentions to be just your friends and nothing else? I was discussing this with my sister the other day and I told her that it is very very rare for a guy to approach girl and only have intentions of being her friend. When it comes down to the bone of things, I have never seen this happen. I have never seen or experienced a guy wanting to be friends with a female because she seemed like a “cool” girl to be friends with. I say this because this actually happened to me the other day. I was stopped by a guy who decided to comment on how “cool” my clothes were and then said he would like to take me to dinner and hang out with me because I seem like a “cool” girl. As I do, I read through the lines and realised that he was interested in me in more than just a platonic level, which I stated and he confirmed. The wanting to “hang out” with me was just a cover up for the obvious.

Usually I’ve seen guys be friends with girls they are not attracted to, that they know through work or some other mundane connection. And the contact that they have with these friends is usually not as much, in comparison to the amount they have with their male friends. But these friendships have been built out of circumstance. Whereas, when a male chooses to approach a female to be “friends” with outside of daily circumstances, it is more often than not a cover up to get closer to her on a personal level. Due to this, most females decline the friendship because they know that, that guy may want more which in turn makes it harder to trust them and to save the awkwardness/drama of when the guy decides to cut them off when he realises that this friendship will not develop further!

To conclude, I have seen and so believe that it is possible for women to be friends with someone they are attracted to whom does not feel the same way but It appears that men find this to be quite a challenge.

These are just a few things I have been considering and scaling over in my mind. What do you think?

A reflection of the year 2013

I look back at the months over the last year and realise how much I’ve grown as a person. I feel proud of who I am becoming. I have learnt some life lessons like how much communication is a very vital key to any relationship and to always remember your self worth. I’ve apologised to those who may have brought the worst out of me, resulting in a firey backlash on my behalf and I’ve smoothed out a few cracks in my character.

Accountability is something we grow own in order to truly mature into our better beings. Without it, one lives their life in denial. You can never truly move on into new pastures if you do not own up to your part in every situation.

I have seen friends drop like flies making room for new, sincere relationships. I do believe our gut instincts are very strong and they have not lead me wrong this year.

I’ve graduated, quit my hellish job and passed my theory test. I’ve given support to young people and I have spread love wherever I’ve been. 2013 was a rather good year but a year that will not be missed. I am ready for the new challenges, lessons and growth that 2014 has to bring. Let the year begin!

Feminine vs Masculine 🚺🚹

When it comes to characteristics, what is Feminine and what is Masculine? Well, I will try to keep this one short and sweet but I can’t promise that I won’t run off at the mouth as usual. You see I’m like Pringles, once I start, I just can’t stop!

For many years I’ve listened to people and seen how society has created their narrow views. I’ve seen people fear to act out in the ways they most desire and I’ve heard people say the things that they deem to be sociably acceptable but I am cut from a very different knife. I stay true to me by being me.

I’ve often heard people say he or she is “too feminine” or not “masculine enough”. But from young I’ve questioned what is really feminine & masculine?! From the age of 7 when I developed my own sense of style, I was branded a ‘tomboy’. All I ever wore was sneakers and tracksuits. I was in my element in the clothing I considered to be of my upmost comfort and which expressed my personality, sporty and active. As I got older and realised that by me wearing skirts shifted me into the feminine bracket and me wearing jogging bottoms put me into the masculine bracket I was genuinely concerned. How could what I wore which is my self expression determine how feminine I was? Well for the protection of your ears or shall I say eyes, I won’t ramble off into my many opinions, I’ll just stay on the topic off self expression and cover one section of it, emotional expression.

Growing up and creating relationships with the opposite sex, I’ve seen the slim confinements that both sexes have been caste. Feminine and Masculine. I’ve seen on numerous occasions that people have used the terminology of feminine and masculine to describe a person negatively. My biggest concern is the association of expressing ones emotions with the act of femininity.

A couple of years back, I had a debate with one of my older sisters about this very issue of femininity. We were discussing something along the lines of relationships and she described a male who was quite expressive with his emotions as feminine. I then wanted to explore this concept further as she was not the first person I had heard mention this. As you consider a male expressing his emotions as feminine, it instantly creates a negative, degrading cloud over him in our minds. But “why?” I asked, because we have been conditioned to believe these very views, creating separations between the sexes.

This view really irked me. Why do we consider the action of a person to express their emotions openly as a feminine trait? Why should concealing your emotions be considered as a masculine trait? It’s this kind of conditioning from young that creates a continuous cycle of behaviour that I feel is unacceptable. This prevents people for doing the one thing that they have the right to do which is to express yourself. How can you expect to build a greater understanding and better yet, get what you want if you are afraid to express how you feel?!

Whenever I am in conversation with a male and they express how they feel about me or anything for that matter, I give them my high regards of respect because I know how much it must have taken for them to do something that has been identified as a “weak” or “feminine” action.

The commencing of this ideology began when who ever felt that the colour Pink was for a girls and the colour Blue was for boys. Again restricting the genders to maintain an opposing sense of expression, which later stems into males remaining cold and putting on this tough “I have no feelings” exterior, in turn creating a reoccurring deal breaker in most relationships they endeavour.

I will not be passing on any of these generation destroying ideas onto my future offspring because I know better than to forbid any person from allowing them to express themselves how they see fit. The colour example is a cute token but we must be aware of how far we are taking this into the concept of character building.

Guys it is not feminine to express your emotions and girls it is not masculine to be direct and driven. Be true to you in order to get the best for you!

*P.S I knew the Pringles effect would take place*

Blurred Lines

As promised in my For better or For worse post which I discussed Married life based upon a photo of Robin Thicke, I am going to address the topic of infidelity and what it might mean to many.

When it comes to monogamous relationships, where does the lines become clearly crossed in regards to infidelity?! Well when a couple commit to monogamy some might say that the physical pleasures that the two people involved experience, do not embark on experiencing those pleasures with others outside of their union. But what are these physical pleasures?! These physical pleasures can involve kissing and sexual contact of any kind such as groping and spanking.

But Is flirting cheating? Well some people flirt as a natural part of their characteristics. Some people don’t even know that they are flirting! Some sources say that it’s good to flirt because it builds people’s levels of communication and confidence.

Flirting can be upsetting sometimes, no matter how innocent the flirters intentions are because again, some may feel that it crosses the lines of fidelity.

Lets talk a little on communication. Is infidelity only aligned with physical action or can it be a mental thing too? Well most people build deeper connections on a physical basis and then proceed to feel the need to get closer to another mentally & emotionally. But what if an attached person gets closer to another person mentally and emotionally, would we consider this cheating? If you found out that your partner was having long deep meaningful, intimate talks with someone of the opposite sex, would this enrage you as much as it would if you found out that they were in fact sleeping together?After all, both scenarios are a form of connection!

Me being devils advocate, I’m just displaying every angle of how blurred lines can appear in a relationship but its really up to the two individuals involved in the union to agree on what they consider to be a boundary crosser.

So to conclude, we may not agree with another persons actions because yes we do have our own opinions but in reality it does come down to the fact that we hold no position in that relationship so who are we to say when a line has been crossed? We do not know where that couple’s starting point of their barriers begins or finishes. So as long as the couple has communicated on these barriers and no ones feelings become trampled on, there shall be no blurred lines!

A repetitive groove…

Morning fellow bloggers, I’m a deep thinker and a logical one at that, which is a rare ability in this world. As promised, I am going to give you a first glimpse of the many thoughts that swim in my mind. So here it goes… After seeing the many actions of those that walk this Earth, I have come to the conclusion that people find some sort of happiness/pleasure in repeating their actions, whether towards others or habitually. I have asked the questions when speaking with others about their situations involving matters of the heart, why a person would want to continue doing something which their interest has pulled them up about?! Sounds inconsiderate doesn’t it?! Well in actuality, I had come to the understanding that these very people who were pulled up by their partner, apparently would give anything for a drama-free life when in reality these people are drama driven individuals.

So this is where the repetitive behaviour becomes the best source of action. Most people are rebellious souls, craving to be told not to do something, igniting a sense of power and control they feel they lack in their everyday lives. That empty space they feel drives them to begin to crave this within their personal relationships, creating a parent and child situation. All for what?! Attention! These people demand a lot of time & energy into nurturing their growing sadistic behaviour (which I frankly don’t care to have). Be weary of such individuals who seem to consistently let you down with the very thing you said you didn’t like, these individuals are not content and will use mental abuse to feel complete.

On the other side of the spectrum, we are all human, well at least I think we are and we all make mistakes but we need to actively portray our well evolved characters by plain simply apologizing for how our actions have made another feel. Now that’s consideration!